Tag Archives: Relationships

Relationships Must Fight To Win

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Before you commit, test the integrity of your relationship. To foster an enduring connection, you must first explore the distances you can travel together (both literally and figuratively). Share the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Fail together and win together. Know the dark side. Without seeing the entire spectrum, you’re far less prepared to survive. Smarter to sequester nasty surprises before investing yourself in the long-term (or death do us part), than to face them firsthand when it’s too late. A courting period rich with peaches and rainbows can be deceptive and dangerous.

Dig deeper, push boundaries, and put up a fight – together.

Time Heals Wounds. Or Bad Memory? I Forget.

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An old adage: “Time heals all wounds.” Not necessarily true if the variables of your life do not change. Good luck trusting the clock to wipe away your woes if your environment, friends, job, problems, and goals stay the same. It’s easier to get over an ex if you never see him or her; it’s particularly difficult to get over the ex if he or she is your neighbor. Your woes won’t leave you alone if they live next door.

The solution? Mix it up. Try new things. Keep busy. Move your life forward. Let someone else break your heart. After all, new wounds help you forget old wounds. I slap mosquito bites for the very same reason (addressing bites directly with a scratch only makes the irritation worse). Fresh pain makes the old pain seem far less imminent and important. Before long, you forget the old pain ever existed.

With enough practice and endurance, you can learn to move on without inducing new pain. Mosquito bites go away faster if you ignore them entirely. How about a new adage? “Selective memory heals all wounds.”

Call People With Your Phone (That’s What It’s There For)

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Random calls work like magic. Through cold-calling old friends in an effort to “stay in touch,” I’ve discovered great collaborators, learned things I could never imagine, and been offered jobs. Keeping your network fresh is important. And it’s really easy to do when you find yourself bored, commuting, or waiting for laundry. Just pick up your phone. Skim through your contacts. Pick someone you have not spoken to in a while. Call the person. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Think you need a reason to call someone? “Catching up” is a perfect reason to call someone. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: stay in touch.

Accelerating Forward By Dropping Stuff

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Sometimes the most effective way to move on in your life is to let things go. Identify the people, places, and things that make you unhappy or hold you back. Surmise a life without them and calculate out how to get there. Throw away the trash, any relics that tie you backward, your toxic environment, or regressive relationships. Dump all the weight on your shoulders over the side. Only then will you truly feel free to take the next step in full. The more you let go of at once, the more dramatic your acceleration forward will be.

Like monkey bars on a jungle gym, you must let go of the old to reach the new. Empty your pockets, cut the ropes, and ignore the shouts as you leap forward. The only person who can move you forward is you.

Inventory Your Relationships

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When I say, ‘Inventory your relationships,’ I don’t mean, ‘Treat your friends like retail products on a stocking shelf.’ I mean, ‘Keep tabs on everyone in your network.’

Like reviewing notes taken in class, study your mobile contacts list, address book, or friends list. Take note of the people you haven’t spoken to in a while. If you find yourself curious about or missing updated information on a contact, you should reach out to him or her and catch up. Send a note, invite for coffee, arrange a phone or video call – whatever you find comfortable. Learn what keeps your friends busy, where their talents lie, what interests they have, and where they want to go next. Catch up, offer help if you can, and take notes to update your rolodex. Promise to stay in touch.

Never rule anyone out; people can change. Some of the shady characters in high school may have sobered up to start multi-million dollar businesses. You never know. You will be surprised what happens when you reach out to old relationships, especially the ones you were never close with before. You might uncover a great opportunity, discover a shared interest, or find romance. All three have happened to me. Partnerships of all kinds form out of rebooting network connections.

Recycling old relationships can be far easier than meeting new people because you already share common ground. I would even argue that keeping your network fresh by staying in touch is equally as important as growing your network, if not more so. As I have said before, it’s not about who you know, but who knows you. It is important that your contacts remember you. Stay fresh in other people’s minds, keep them fresh in yours, and keep your network strong.

It all starts by skimming your phone during downtime. Stay in touch.

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The Economy of Favors [Film Friday]

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Especially in low-budget filmmaking, favors can be essential to bringing a vision to life. Favors can help you fill missing pieces, augment talent, cover logistical needs, give you a foothold for success, and so much more. Most of all, favors can inspire long-lasting collaborations. BUT (and it’s a big BUT) – favors must be reciprocated. Promises must be returned. Or you may eventually find yourself without help. You can only last so long on false promises. Your project or company cannot sustain itself on favor poaching.As with all mutual relationships, there must be a give and take. A paycheck isn’t enough. Offer favors, accept favors, and follow through with your promises. Exchange a little, then exchange some more. Favors can make friends.

But make sure you follow through.

Say It in Person

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If you have something important to say, say it in person. Do not cower behind the ink of a letter. You may think you have more control with the written word, but you don’t.

In writing, you can only wield spaces and punctuation between words. In person, you have your body and environment to help articulate your point. And there can be no pensive or awkward silences on the page.

In writing, the reader sets the tone. In person, you can set the tone. A smile or frown makes a big deal.

In writing, errors and tangents hurt your argument. In person, you have the freedom to revise your statements and make mistakes. We’re human after all.

In writing, the dialogue is asymmetrical (a one-way street). In person, your conversation can be mutual. You can alter the flow of your monologue based on the listener’s questions or reactions.

It will take you longer to think your way through a letter than to speak from the heart in person. Your listener will appreciate you more in person, no matter how good or bad the news. And there’s far less room for misunderstanding and error in person. Trust me.

I wish I could tell you this in person.

Deliver the Message

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Have you ever been asked by someone to say “hello” to another person you planned to meet later that day? How many times have you actually delivered that message? I am asked to do this almost every single day – and yet, I seldom pass on the word.

There’s no excuse. A “hello” is simple and easy to deliver. While seemingly insignificant, the results can be profound: you could trigger the reunion of two people. “Wow, I haven’t spoken to him/her in a while! I should give him/her a call!” I know of two marriages that spun from reunions that started this way.

If you feel the need to carry a more relevant message, why not ask the sender if there’s anything else he or she wants to say other than “hello?” It may even provide more conversation fodder for the meeting ahead.

Quitting Is Not Always Quitting

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Do not be afraid to opt out of something if you’ve done everything you can to improve the situation. Marriages, jobs, partnerships, friends with bad habits, group projects, hobbies, gatherings, etc. If it’s not working out for you and you’ve taken reasonable measures to fix things, there’s no point in suffocating yourself anymore. It’s not cowardice; it’s logic. Sometimes quitting is the best way to improve your life, the lives of your partners, and the lives of others who care about you. Imagine all the possibilities of what you can do without that burden, time drain, and commitment. Do not be afraid to quit and go do those things.

Calibrating Your Core

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We get buried by our own lives. We’re far too close to our routine to see the flaws, see the compromises, understand the sacrifices we make in conflict deep down. We’re too busy moving forward and surviving to remember who we really are. We forget who we wanted to be in the first place. We misunderstand our goals. And we lose sight of our virtues.

It’s very important to stay in touch with old friends. Old mentors. Family. The people who remember what you said you wanted to be when you grew up. The people who saw you change. The people who can point out what never changed. Members of your past can remind you who you were. Knowing who you are now, you can sift out the continuity. You can identify your core again. You can re-group, re-center, re-align your sights. Remember what’s most important in life. With a little effort, you can find yourself again.

Stay in touch. If you do not, you will lose track of yourself. You will forget who you really are. Life will fall out of balance and your soul will be scrambled. Stay in touch. All it takes is a phone call, a conversation, a visit home.

Do not ignore your past. It holds the key to great strength.